The following is an open response to all of the pussy bullshit whining I have listened to from Vegans. But before I begin, let me take a passing shot at hippies, since most Vegans are hippies anyway. To the dumb asses that decided to put a gauge in hybrids that show trees growing when you are saving gas, I must ask, ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!?!?!?!?!? For those of us that attended second grade, we all know that CARBON DIOXIDE makes trees grow. This is the stuff that we breath out, and it is the stuff that cars produce. So in essence, if you are driving a hybrid, and you are doing your best to conserve gas and get the best MPG rating you can, you are actually DESTROYING trees. Bet you dumb asses who love the smell of your own farts didn’t consider that aspect of it, did ya?
Now on to the idiocy that is known as the vegan way. I would like to take you back millions of years ago. Man is walking the Earth with woolly mammoths. This is a conversation between Fred, the caveman, and Steve, his fellow caveman:
Fred: Yo, yo steve-oooo. Whats goin on man?
Steve: Not much dude. Did you catch that rock-ball game last night?
Fred: Dude, you know I did. The best part was the halftime show. That stupid insurance company though, don’t they know that slogan is old.
Steve: Oh, you mean the “So easy, you can do it” slogan? Yeah, its pretty old. Anyway, what are your plans for tonight.
Fred: Well, I was thinking about slaying a wildebeest on my way home and after my wife and I eat it raw, I was going to club her over the head and have my way with her. You know, same ol, same ol.
Steve: Aight man. Well you have fun with that Remember, we got those opposable thumbs now, don’t be afraid to get a little crazy.
Fred: Steve, you un-domesticated dog you.
Let’s recap about the caveman days:
Cavemen played rockball.
Geico commercials still sucked
Women USED to put out to their husbands
Man has always eaten meat.
So why do we have so many people who are anti-meat these days? Well, lets break down the categories, and then make fun of them one by one.
Who they are: Pescatarians are people that do not eat red meat. Most will eat just fish, however some will eat chicken as well. They are also allowed to drink milk, eat eggs, and wipe their ass after shitting.(Fun Fact#456,897,876. Vegans do not wipe their asses after they shit out of fear that the toilet paper might make its way to the ocean, and some minnow might eat it, choke and die. And with one less minnow in the world, we will be set on a path straight to Armageddon.)
This group is a little difficult to make fun of. This is due in part to the fact that The Wife(who is my wife) happens to be a member of this group. Also, many Pescatarians don’t eat this way out of “respect” for the animals. They eat this way to be healthy and/or to lose weight. Perfectly acceptable.
Who they are: Vegetarians do not eat any meat products. Generally out of “respect” for the animals(read hippie pussies). Vegetarians that eat to be healthy are also whack jobs. They replace the protein that they are not getting from meat, fish or chicken with soy or tofu. That’s right, tofu. The gelatinous blob of tasteless, colorless crap. Tofu is so bad, I think it has been outlawed at Gitmo for fear of it being considered cruel and unusual punishment.
Who they are: Vegans are pretty much the biggest bag-o-douches in the universe. There are not many people who rank below Vegans in my book. Before I begin to dissect the layers of there shitty lifestyle, let me state my disclaimer. If you are a vegan for medical purposes, i.e your body can not handle red meat, or any other justifiable reason, then I am not poking fun at you. The people I am making fun of are the ones that make a conscious decision to remove anything with flavor from their diet.
You see, vegans don’t eat anything that can be associated with an animal. Not only will they not eat meat from a cow, they will not drink milk either. Not only will they not indulge in a delicious chicken breast from KFC, they will also not eat eggs. They don’t wear fur, or leather, and it is rumored that they also support France as the most powerful nation in the world.
Now lets explore why man should eat meat. For starters, it tastes fucking amazing. There is nothing like biting into a T.G.I.Friday’s Jack Daniels Flatiron grilled to perfection that is known as “medium.” The way the chefs grill the inside to a pink perfection is unrivaled by anything that can be accomplished by tofu. And you know what started this trend of amazingness and fucking awesome flavor? When man discovered that, “Holy fuck, I’ve got a thumb that I can use to grip shit.” This of course led to tools, fire, and being able to double fist alcoholic beverages without spilling a drop.
Normally, I would rip on vegans in private, take a few passing stabs at them, but wouldn’t mention them in such a public forum, because frankly, they aren’t worth it. However, I recently read an entry in a book that I bought for The Wife that really made my blood boil. This article stated that man was only the top of the food chain because we use guns to kill animals, and that if we tried to battle a bear one on one, we would lose.
The obvious response to this asinine statement is, why are you such a hippie twat, and why do you hate America? Of course man uses weapons to kill animals, and yes, most men would probably lose in a fight with a bear (although I heard that Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight with a grizzly. We obviously know who’s still alive and needs to be making another Walker: Texas Ranger series. I’m just sayin…..) But here is the kicker. Man is SUPPOSED to use weapons.
For those who have not heard of Darwin, let me paraphrase his most famous saying: Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before liquor, never quicker. I know, you’re thinking, what does this have to do with vegans vs. Americans. And the answer, it doesn’t. It is Darwin’s SECOND most famous saying, which is: If you can kick ass, you’re at the top. If not, then watch your ass. Essentially, since we have opposable thumbs, which we use to make and operate weapons, it is our job to rule over everything weaker then us. This of course means cows, pigs, chickens, smurfs, hippies, and anyone who watches Desperate Housewives or Dancing with the Stars.
Man is supposed to eat meat. That’s how it has happened for thousands of years, and that is how it will continue to happen. If you choose to eat tofu, and no animal products, then please do us all a favor and move your pasty, sickly, pale ass to France and let me eat my bloody steak.