Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It

That’s right motherfuckers, a three way fucking kiss!!! And I had the only penis of the three, therefore making it awesome, and not gay. But maybe I am getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.

The Wife hadn’t seen Texas Rose in almost 3 years when General Eikenberry decides to fly her(Tex) to NY to be reunited with The Wife. So this whole weekend The Wife and Tex have been catching up. Fri was a fun day, but not overly exciting. On Sat, we decide to check out Niagara Falls, and after returning, decide that we are going to go out to a club. We’ll call this club Leather(although that’s not the correct name, its close.). We hang out at our house for a few, and then General Eikenberry and Tex(She was staying with him due to the extra rooms) leave so they can get ready and also allow myself and The Wife some smashing(i.e fucking) time. After a pretty solid smashing, we get ready and head over.

The Wife and Tex have already drank a glass of wine and 2 Smirnoff’s a piece, so the night is starting off well. When we arrive at Eikenberry’s house, the girls and Eikenberry start drinking. I, being the D.D, sit down and start watching some football. The girls start to get ready while still drinking, and begin to get very “friendly” with each other. Tex is already showing signs of the alcohol in her system, and is completely disregarding the social norms known as personal space. Somehow the subject turns to the fact that The Wife has made out with girls before, but that Tex has not.

These conversations go back and forth for a while until we decide its time to go. We pile into Eikenberry’s vehicle and before we even leave the driveway, The Wife and Tex have their first kiss.

A little side note before I continue, after the entire nights events, although Tex and The Wife make out multiple times, I do not believe that either is Lesbian, or even Bisexual for that matter. Both were severely intoxicated, and although they were having a lot of fun together, I do not think either of them is prepared to go any further then making out.

Continuing on, after the first kiss, I start driving into the city to the club. Along the way, Tex starts to show just how drunk she is by repeating herself multiple times. At some point, the question comes out about “How do lesbians have sex?” I proceed to do my best to answer the question is words that these two will comprehend in their inebriated state. I say, “You eat her, she eats you, and you use toys to do the rest.” Both of the ladies begin to argue that they wouldn’t have fun without a penis in the mix. I then ask them if either of them have ever gotten off without penetration. They both concede that a lesbian relationship is definitely possible, but both vehemently deny that it is in the cards for them.

As we get into the city, about 10 minutes out from the bar, The Wife says she has to pee. She just peed before we left the house, so I’m hoping she can make it the final 10 minutes. Tex starts getting mad at me for not pulling off the road to the imaginary port-o-john. I tell her that she is an idiot, and that I am not sending my wife out to pee on the side of the highway. We get one block away, and The Wife is almost in tears, so I pull over to a restaurant. I tell them to go in there, I’ll park the car, and we’ll meet at the club. The restaurant is on the passenger side, away from traffic, but so is Tex. The Wife almost shoves her out of the car trying to get out to use the bathroom. Eikenberry decides to stay with them since they are both incapable of a sober thought. I drive off and park the car about 6 blocks away from the bar.

As I get up to the bar, I am greeted with two sights. They both pretty much set the tone for the night:

1) Some coked out broad was kicked out of the club. Its not even midnight, and she has been thrown out. Apparently when they kicked her out, she tried staying close to the building, but they wouldn’t let her, so she walks between two cars parked on the side of the road and asks multiple times if this is far enough. The bouncer is ignoring her, so she keeps shouting and asking. She reaches in to her purse looking for cigarettes and a prescription bottle falls out causing laughter from everyone in line.

2) Tex is wearing a cops hat and practically molesting him. I see this as I walk up and can only chuckle. Then she starts screaming that The Wife is “her bitch.” She tells the cops, the people in line with us, and I’m pretty sure she was talking to the mailbox and called it an asshole for not acknowledging her. We get in line and finally get inside.

Once inside, Eikenberry gets some drinks for the girls, and we hit the dance floor. For those of you that haven’t read the Midget Wrestling story, Bunny doesn’t dance. It is a physical act that my body is incapable of committing. So I’m dancing with The Wife while Tex molests her. Tex and The Wife make out a few more times, and Tex gets progressively drunker.

The climax of the night came when Tex fell over into the side of a trash can. No one is quite sure why she fell, or what caused her too, but anyone in the vicinity knew that she did. After being picked up, Tex spends the next 30 minutes telling Eikenberry, The Wife, and myself(all of us having watched her fall already) about how she fell into the trash can and how it was embarrassing. She is recounting the story as if she were scoring the winning touchdown for High School State Championships. The kicker comes when she tries to reenact is in slow motion. This of course involves her ending up on the ground yet again. At this point, I tell Eikenberry that she can’t have any more alcohol.

He agrees and we hang out a little longer. Around 1:30, Tex passes out on Eikenberry’s shoulder while dancing. We decide that its time to pack it in and call it a night. We get out of the bar, and I tell them to meet me on the corner and I’ll go get the vehicle. I go get the vehicle, and see that they are towing other peoples cars on the same side as where I parked. When I parked the car, I crossed the street, and then looked at the sign, it said “No Parking” and then listed times. The most relevant time was 7PM Friday to 6 AM Saturday. So I can’t understand why they are towing vehicles. Then I see a sign on the side that I am parked that says, “No Parking.” Followed by 7PM Sat to 6AM Sun. My first thought is that if I got Eikenberry’s vehicle towed, he is going to shit a brick. Thankfully, they have not made it to his vehicle yet. I make a preliminary check for “boots” on the tires and tickets. By some form of luck, there is neither on the vehicle.

Thanking my lucky stars, I drive off and start to look for them. As I am pulling up to the pre-agreed upon corner, I see The Wife cross the street followed by Eikenberry carrying Tex. Apparently this doesn’t fly with Tex who wants to cross the street by herself, so she makes Eikenberry take her back to the beginning of the crosswalk and start again. As she is crossing, cars pull up to the intersection. Eikenberry stands there with his hand out in the universal stop gesture and shouts “Road Guards Post.”

After shoving them in the vehicle and child locking the door so Tex can’t open it, we start to drive off. We have to drive past all of the cops and bars that we were just at. Tex asks if she can roll her window down and shout out obscenities. Being the anti-fun cock blocker that I am, I decide that I don’t want to get arrested or beaten up and tell her no. After locking the windows, I see that The Wife’s is still down, and that Tex is trying to shout out of it. I roll that up and relock the windows. We are stuck in traffic and barely moving so Tex decides it would be a good idea to lean forward and start fucking with me. She starts poking me in the face, asking why I won’t let her yell out something about whores out the window. After about 30 seconds of this, I get frustrated and tell her to “Sit the fuck back before I break your fucking finger.” Tex begins to repeat over and over again that, “I’ve never seen Bunny so upset. I made him upset.”

This continues on until we get about 15 minutes from home. The Wife decides that she has the bladder of an infant and has to use the restroom, yet again. We pull up to the first gas station and myself and General Eikenberry get out to check if they have a bathroom. Because I put the child-lock on Tex’s door, she is unable to get out, even after unlocking it. She complains about this on the entire drive to the next gas station since the first one does not have a restroom. At the second stop, she again can not get out and begins to complain again. She keeps telling us that she lifted the lock, and still can’t get out. Over, and over, and over, and over again.

At the second gas station, there are 5 cops inside getting coffee. Seeing that this is going to be a good time, I get out, accompanying the other three inside. We find out they do not have a restroom, and corral the 2 girls outside. As we are walking to the restroom, Tex starts talking about how it is bullshit that they don’t have a restroom. She says that there are 5 cops in there, they MUST have a restroom. We get back in the car and drive off as Tex rants about how she would fight the cops if they said anything about The Wife having to take a piss. Then she drops this gem on us, “It’s funny, cuz I don’t even KNOW karate, but I would tell them I do, and they’d be afraid. I mean, look at these boots, and this vest. Yeah, they’d be afraid.”

We drive about a mile down the road and pull over by some trees because The Wife is almost in tears. We all get out, and Eikenberry is the first to finish. He announces tha he is done, and Tex responds with, “I wish I had a penis.” Eikenberry, not being wasted, is pretty quick on his feet and responds with, “I’ll give you one as soon as we get home.”

The final 10 minutes of the drive were uneventful due to Tex passing out in the car. The Wife and I go inside with them and ensure that Tex is ok, before leaving.

All in all, the night was a very fun and eventful night. That being said, during the weekend there was a DUI arrest at a base I used to work at, so I have this public service announcement to make. If you are going to drink, have a safe ride home. We made every plan ahead of time to ensure we had a way home. It is simply not worth it to spend the night drinking and then try to make the trip home. Find a safe ride. There is nothing funny about driving drunk. You run the risk of hurting yourself, or others. If you wanna be stupid, fine, but don’t take others with you.

- Bunny

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