Thursday, August 6, 2009


What I am about to describe is hands down the most exciting sporting event I have ever been to in my entire life. I've been to some pretty good Denver Nuggets games, but there is nothing in the world that compares to this.

I heard about the midget wrestlers on Monday, and we joked about going to see it. Then by Tuesday, the issue was long forgotten. On Wednesday, after work, I went out with a few of the contractors to get sushi, and I remembered that it was supposed to be going on tonight. So, i whip out the ol' Crackberry and google that shit. My exact search was "midget wrestling, Sioux Falls, SD" Well, the first two entries proved to be gold mines. I found out that in about 2 hours, it was gametime. I asked all the contractors if they wanted to go, and they said no, but the othehr person I am traveling with said yes, so it was set. I knew that this was going to be a great night, but I had no idea what I was in for.

I pick up the other guy from the hotel, and we head straight out. We show up, and the bar looks pretty cool. Sort of a rustic, roadhouse type look. We go in, and the bouncer asks us if we have tickets. Of course we don't, and we each pay 20 dollars to get in. The bouncer also tells us that they have 7 7-ounce beers for 7 dollars. This is the equivalent of telling a crack addict that he can snort coke off a hookers tits for free. If theres one thing you know about me, its that I love beer. If theres two things you know about me its that 1) I love beer, and 2) I feel that midgets are sources of amusement that are not exploited often enough.

As we are paying, I can hear a guy in the ring talking and introducing the midgets. I am already shaking with excitement, so we walk in, and there is a wrestling ring, on the dance floor. There is a 2 foot path around the ring and then steel barricades for where the crowd would be. There is a midget in the ring introducing the others. We'll call him Foulmouth(about 4' maybe 80 pounds). Now I cuss a lot, and those of you that have read my other blogs have seen that I am not afraid to use some descriptive words to get my point across. This guy made me look like the freaking Pope. He described "Meatball" as a fat bastard and the worlds largest midget(In all fairness, "Meatball" was 4'7'' and weighed 292 pounds, so he was a pretty big dude. He introduced "Superhero"(3'6'', 70 pounds) as the only midget superhero in existence, and said he fights for truth, honor, and the silicone way. The next wrestler he introduced was "Hardcore." He had a trashcan full of props and Foul says that he will use a kendo stick, a pool cue, a baking sheet, or even your "Old Lady's TITS" in order to win. So far, I have been there for 10 minutes, and have already felt good about only paying 20 dollars to get in. They could have charged 100 and I would have gone again. I go to the bar and purchase my 7 beers for 7 dollars. After sitting down with my bucket, I compare with the other guy and we realize that I have essentially bought 4 regular beers for 7 dollars. I am visibly excited, and teetering on the edge of being orgasmic right now. To cap off the introductions, Foul says that they are going to be fighting outside of the ring, and that if you interfere in any way, all 6 of the midgets are going to team up to "Beat the everliving FUCK out of you." I am rolling by now, almost with tears in my eyes, and I slam a beer.

The get ready to start the first match, and they invite the crowd to come up to the barricades. I stick 2 beers in my pocket and walk up with the one I am drinking already. I stand right on the barrier, and start screaming "I support midget violence" with the crowd. The first match is between Super and Foul with Meatball as the referee. Foul grabs the microphone before getting in the ring and starts ripping on Meatball and Superhero. He tells Meatball that he's a fat bastard and that if he got in the ring with Foulmouth 3 days a week, he might lose enough weight to be able to jerk off. Then he starts ripping on Superhero. He then tells the crowd that, no joking, its gonna be a short match. He then climbs in the ring and as they circle, he stops, back Superhero up, and starts busting out pushups. He does a quick 20-30, and then gets up. Then Superhero starts doing pushups from a handstand. They begin to wrestle, and its a pretty good match. At one point Superhero does a head butt on Foulmouths nuts, and then Foulmouth returns it with a baseball slide to Superhero's crotch. Hands down some of the funniest stuff I've ever seen.

During the first match, I managed to finish all 3 beers I had walked up with so I walk back to the table we had. When I get back, I explain to the other guy about how great this is and how funny this shit is up close. They are getting ready for the second match, so they bring out Foulmouth, who is going to be the referee, Hardcore and another midget, "Chippendale." This guy used to dance with the midget Chippendales. He was about 3'8, and only maybe 80 pounds. He was skinny, but also very ripped. He heads to the ring and smacks a few girls asses on the way.

I'm going to digress for a few minutes here and give a rant about the double standards in society. When these midgets were heading to the ring, at least half of them would smack a chicks ass. Now I try to make it a habit of not getting punched in the face, therefore I refrain from smacking random asses. I'm just saying, its a double standard.

The second match starts off pretty routine. If by routine, you mean two midgets squaring off against each other in a tiny ring that resembles a kids playplace. Hardcore slams Chip against the turnbuckle and smacks him open handed with a leather glove. Foulmouth(referee) puts the microphone near the smack so you can hear the impact. Fake or not, thats gotta hurt. Then Harcore decides to take it outside the ring, so he pulls Chip out and chases him around the ring. Chip hops on the bar and runs at Hardcore who cathches him in midair. Hardcore body presses Chip and then slams him down in the ring. Harcore gets a cookie sheet and smashes it over Chips head multiple times. Again, fake or not, that shits gotta hurt.

While Chip is laying in the ring, probably feeling like I knew I would the next morning, Hardcore goes outside the ring to get a trash can. He tosses the trash can inside the ring and then puts Chip inside it. He climbs to the second rope, and in what can only be described as a perversion of physics, flips into a leg drop on the trash can. This, of course, results in the trash can collapsing aroung Chip. Pretty sweet stuff. The match ends when Hardcore gives a chin kick to Chip and then gets jiggy with it and does the worm.

2 Matches in, 6 beers consumed(7 oz x 6= 42 ounces. 3.5 regular sized beers.) It is now intermission. I sit down for a few and drink a couple more beers. I finish my 7th beer, and the waitress brings me a new bucket. I'm still as giddy as can be, enjoying myself more then any normal person probably would. I drank probably 3 or 4 beers while sitting there for intermission. That coupled with the fact that I was sleep deprived, probably dehydrated, and ridiculously happy, I probably got drunk sooner then I normally would have. I was not wasted by any means, but I was still feeling the alcohol. The following is a list of the notes(verbatim) that I put on my phone and then a description of what I remember:

Chip dry humps chick doggy style - The midgets were all walking around, talking to people, and taking pictures, etc... This one girl kneels down to get a picture with Chip. As soon as she kneels down, he walks behind her, pushes her back so that she is now on all 4's and proceeds to hump her for about a minute. Definitely some funny shit.

Chip grabs boobs - Again with the double standard. Chip decides to just maul some chicks tits while snapping a picture. I'm not saying I WANTED to grab the boobs, just saying that if I did, I would have been hit.

Foulmouth lays out like wasted - Not sure what I meant by this one. He was drinking a lot, so maybe he wasn't pretending......

Superhero puts me in a headlock - Because I forgot my camera, I gave a girl my business card and asked her to email me the pictures she took, so she said she would email me a picture if I let the Superhero midget put me in a headlock. Well, I let him do it, and if that chick ever sends me the pics(which I'm really starting to doubt she will) then I will post it.

Foulmouth licks vag through shorts - Pretty self explanatory. However, with the double standard, I'm debating about becoming a midget.

Meatball tries to eat tits - Not sure if he was playing with them, or if he was just hungry. In all fairness, he was 292 pounds, I'm sure he gets hungry pretty often.

Metallica "Enter Night" interpretive dance - Meatball and Foulmouth dance around, play some air guitar, and pretty much just rock that shit for a few minutes.

Fat dude - Foulmouth says he has 5 midgets in belly -- Some ridiculously large guy decides to get a picture taken with the midgets. Foulmouth tells the crowd to make sure he doesn't eat the midgets because it looks like he already has 5 midgets in his belly. And honestly, he wasn't off base on it either, thes guy was HUGE.

Foulmouth will need 4 peoples feet to kick one of Meatballs's cheeks - I assume you understand he's talking butt cheeks.

Match 3

This is the final match, and its Foulmouth and Superhero against Meatball and Hardcore. I don't remember everything that went down, so here is the highlights that I put into my phone.

-Meatball double-choke slams Superhero and Foulmouth.
-Foulmouth tries to dive outside the ring at Meatball and gets slammed into the steel barricade for his troubles.
-Meatball tries to hit Foulmouth with a sledge but ends up missing and hitting steel.
-Meatball rolls Foulmouth into the ring, gets out a cue stick, and then lines it up and delivers a killer shot to Foulmouth's sack with the cue stick. Again, fake or not, that shit would end my career.
-Meatball give a Tombstone Piledriver to Foulmouth.
-Meatball puts Foulmouth and Superhero in opposite corners, whips out his bare ass, and rubs it in both faces.

That marks the end of the comments I made for wrestling. We stayed for about 15 minutes extra, while I decided I wanted to dance. It was later described to me as "you standing there with your beer held above the girls head and not moving the entire time while she dances around you." Frankly, I think this description was wrong because I know for a fact that I at least took a drink of my beer.

This night was probably the best sporting event I have ever been to. It was a lot of fun, and I drank entirely too much beer. The tally for the night:

5-midgets kicking each others asses
16-7 ounce beers.
14-Dollars that I spent on those 16 beers(I had to drink that on principle alone!)
1-Phone call to Fluffy, while naked, screaming about how many beers I had to drink and asking why I couldn't find my pants.
1:30 - Time I finally passed out.

Good times all around......