Gawker vs. Me

So yesterday, I sent in an e-mail to Hamilton from the Gawker Media website. The following is the e-mail in full:

Hamilton,

Damn dude. Why are you so angry? I have read some of the articles against Tucker Max, and I gotta ask, Who didn't love you enough as a child? You wrote somebullshit articleabout Tucker Max replacing College Radicalism. Just so we're clear on this, would that be the hippie, flower child love fest radicalism that was so prominent in the 60's? The same radicalism that bred children who voted Barack Obama into office? The same radicalism that took some pansy ass approach to terrorism leading to the attacks on 9/11? Dude, FUCK RADICALISM. How about we start promoting AMERICANISM. Stop your whiny bitching and try contributing something worthwhile to society. You are angry because college kids have read Tucker Max's "I Hope The Serve Beer in Hell". Why? Because you can't write for shit, and when someone can, you have to shit on them? That's what is so great about America. Anyone can prosper. Tucker Max appeals to fans because he hates the bitchy schoolgirl mentality that you possess. Get the fuck over yourself. You are garbage.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

I am sure you are wondering what the response is that I got from Hamilton before he posted my e-mail on his site, and here it is:

Yep, thats right folks. NOTHING.

Nick Denton's Man Crush: Tucker Max

So some of you may or may not know who Nick Denton is. He is the founder of a website and company called Gawker Media. Essentially, he is the straight version of Perez Hilton. No, seriously, I think he even has pink hair. His entire site is devoted to being a liberal douche bag hippie blogging site, that rips on all things fun and American, and promotes all things evil, and anti-American. His website is Gawker.com, but after 30 minutes of perusing, I was considering giving myself an IV of Tabasco Sauce and rat-poison just to end things. I would recommend that if you choose to visit the site, remove all sharp object from the immediate vicinity or you may end up slashing your wrists. But I digress....

If you want to be a Democratic, French sympathizing tool, thats cool. I may call you out on it, and rip on you for it, but by all means, be who you want to be. Nick Denton takes it one step further. His website has at least 35 articles devoted to Tucker Max. See here: http://gawker.com/tag/Tucker-Max/

If you peruse the articles on the site, you will see that the bloggers at Gawker have an intense hate for Tucker Max. As I was reading through the posts, I decided to go back to the earliest post and try to discern what it is that Nick Denton despises so much about Tucker Max.

The first post is about the movie and asking if anyone can get a script of the movie. The second post is three scenes from the movie that someone had the script of. Let me give you a break-down of those 3 scenes:

1) Tucker is banging a deaf chick who is screaming animalistic sounds because she can't hear herself. Cops break in, think Tucker is raping her and tackle him. She says she's deaf, the sex was consensual, and then says, "I was about to CUM."

For starters, as soon as I heard the sounds, I knew what this was going to be, because Tucker has written a story about it. Pretty funny scene, nice boob shot, and then the punch line. The ENTIRE theater was laughing. Honestly, I can't think of a better way to start off this movie.

2) Tucker hits on a waitress who is enjoying his advances. She is practically sitting on his lap while talking. Tucker smacks her ass and says, "Run along baby, man talk." Bartender gets upset and asks Tucker to watch how he talks to his server. Tucker schools him, and when the bartender wants to fight, Tucker's friend steps in and convinces him its not worth it.

Again, parts of this story were taken straight out of the book(which I guess the whole movie was, but some parts were literally taken out verbatim.) The kicker is when they leave, the bartender calls after them that "I already fingered her." Again, the crowd was laughing. Pretty good stuff, and the one-liner set itself up for many weeks of usage after the movie.

3) Tucker schools some frat boy and even the guys girlfriend is laughing at him.

What is there to say about this, its funny.

I wish I could tell you what Gawker has against this movie so far, but they don't explain it. They posted those three scenes, and retreated without any sort of explanation. The next post is 3 more scenes, including the infamous poop scene. Is the poop scene vulgar, and disgusting. YES. That's what makes it so funny.

Lets look at the next blog entry and see why Gawker is so upset. AH HA. Here it is. It's about a casting call for the movie. Let's start by posting the casting call, and then we'll go through it.

JADE: A drop-dead gorgeous stripper with big boobs. She's the main event at the strip club. She tries to negotiate Tucker into the champagne room. She thinks he's cute and funny and seems to enjoy the process of flirting with him independent of the job...10 lines, 1 scene (51) AGE: 18-24 NUDITY NOT REQUIRED, but skimpy stripper attire will be worn. Only submit super-hot, gorgeous women with very large breasts (think Pamela Anderson). Will be in scene with Matt Czuchry, Jesse Bradford, and Geoff Stults, so actresses must be good enough to hold their own onscreen with them.

Well there it is. I understand now. Tucker Max wanted a "super-hot, gorgeous woman" to play the role of... wait for it... a stripper! Why would he be so subjective and demeaning and ask for an attractive woman to play the role of an attractive stripper? Waaa Waaa Fucking Waaa. Get the fuck over it. Seriously? Is this what they do all day over at Gawker? Look for shit to bash on, and then cry like little feminist pussies? Get the fuck over yourselves. If it offends women, don't play the role. If you're a guy, and you're bitching about this, re-evaluate your life.

Sorry for the rant, lets continue. The next blog is a short one. Apparently someone was overheard in New York quoting a line from the movie. Apparently, if Tucker Max has fans, that think his stuff is funny and want to repeat it, he is the worst individual on earth.

The next article is a post by his former girlfriend. It is the last one I will dissect because, frankly, I don't have as much free time as the unemployed, pajama wearin, Mac-n-cheese eatin, Nintendo 64 playin, tighty whitey wearing suckbags that blog for Gawker.

The article is one that was apparently posted on "The Bunny Blog" by Tucker's ex-girlfriend. It details a lot of shit that he did to her, and rips on him. For starters, anyone who has read his book knows that in his Acknowledgments, right at the beginning, the very first one says this:

TheBunny - For whatever issues we've had, and there have been many, no one has been more solidly in my corner. Not my parents, not my friends, not even my dogs. She is a very special person. [BTW, she is an excellent writer in her own right and I suggest you check out her site: thebunnyblog.com. But finish my book first.]

Clearly, Tucker has a special place in his heart for her. This dedication obviously shows that he respects her more then most other people in his life. If you read the Gawker article, you might not be able to see that. The post pulled from her website is very bad. It details a lot of shit that Tucker did to her that most women wouldn't put up with.

I think this right here is the reason that Gawker, Nick Denton, and other feminist crybabies hate Tucker Max. Tucker Max treated TheBunny like SHIT. There is no way around it. But guess what, SHE TOOK IT. If you have enough reasons to post a blog about it online, you have enough reasons to dump the sorry excuse for a man. Why do you think Tucker gets away with the shit he does? Because women allow it.

To everyone out there who does not like Tucker Max, this is what you do. IGNORE HIM. He is not that mainstream that you will be seeing him on billboards in every city. So DON'T buy his books, DON'T see his movie, and DON'T discuss him. Is it that hard? We live in America. The land of the FREE. That means you are free to purchase, or not purchase anything you want. Tucker Max is FREE to write whatever the fuck he wants.

And yes, you whiny bitch-ass bloggers at Gawker are free to rip on Tucker Max, but know that there will always be people like me who will call you out for your dumb-assery.

Sorry, I had to add this in at the end because I didn't know where to post it at. The following is a quote from one of the Gawker articles:

"It is apparent from his you tube videos that Tucker Max mistreats his cast by letting them injure themselves in their off time. One of his actresses severely bruised her leg while dancing in a bar." We have not watched said videos. Volunteers?

"Letting them injure themselves?" Thats got to be the dumbest thing I have ever read. I should start telling people around me that they aren't allowed to get hurt when I'm around. Don't be hurting yourselves people!

Why The Red Sox Are Liberals

So I was ripping on Fluffy the other day for liking the Red Sox, and I came up with this amazing connection. Red Sox are Democrats and Yankees are Republicans. Essentially, to either of us, being called French, or a Democrat is pretty much the worst thing that can happen. Case in point: Fluffy tried to call me out on a painting at WalMart that I should buy because it showed the Eiffel Tower as viewed from someone's bedroom. I turned it around on him and said, "You just want me to buy it because it's the view you used to have, WHEN YOU LIVED IN FRANCE." I think he cried for about an hour and then vowed revenge.

So, we are discussing the Red Sox/Yanks rivalry, and how Fluffy hates the Yankees because they are a better team. We're going back and forth when he brings up the clinching argument: The Yankees spend more money on their payroll then any other.

This argument always gets me riled up, but especially when it comes from a team that spends 50 MILLION dollars just to SPEAK to a player. So I thought long and hard(so to speak) and in about 10 minutes, my rebuttal was complete. This is a complete mock up of the conversation. It may or may not have gone this way, but since it was between Fluffy and myself, there is no one that can disprove it, and since it's on the internet, it must be true:

Fluffy: Dude, the Yankees spend like 1/2 a billion dollars on their payroll. Of course they are going to win. They are buying wins.

Me: 1) Thats they dumbest argument ever, Frenchy. And 2) Why do you hate Republicans?

F: Shut up dude. You're an idiot. Doesn't New York vote Democrat? And didn't Hillary Clinton, the uber-dyke of all Democrats used to be a Senator in NY?

M: No man, I'm serious. You are totally a Democrat.

F: How do you figure?

M: Let's see. You hate the Yankee's. One of your arguments is that they spend too much money. The Yankee's spend so much money because they make so much money.

F: Yeah, cuz they charge like a thousand dollars a ticket.

M: And people pay that. Therefore, the Yankees must be a Capitalist organization, and since they are prospering due to that Capitalism, you hate them. That makes you, and every other person that hates the Yankees because they spend too much money, a fucking liberal loving, Obama sympathizing, Peace prize winning, Birckenstock wearing hippie Democrat.

And that's why the Yankees are Republicans and the Red Sox are hippie douches.

Nobel a-PEACE-ment Prize

I know I should have given up on the Nobel Peace Prize after Al Gore won a few years ago, but I have to ask: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Barack Fucking Obama? What in the HELL has he done to win the Nobel Peace Prize? Do they now award that hunk of junk to the person who apologizes the most to terrorists?

What about the Army National Guard soldier (Capt. Benjamin Sklaver, 32, of Hamden, Conn) who founded the Clean Water Initiative which was a non-profit group designed to bring clean water to hundreds of thousands of needy children in the Horn of Africa? His goal was to bring clean water to 250,000 people within 10 years, and instead, the Nobel Committee selected someone who had been in office for TWO WEEKS when the deadline hit. Way to go Nobel Committee. You showed the world today that you are, indeed, ass-hats.

Sorry, I thought I was done, but I'm not. Reading more about this shit, they are saying that the award is coming at the beginning and that there are great things to be expected of him. Well how about we just fucking give the World Series to the Yankees right now? Then we can say that we "expect great things" from them. Isn't that how it works now?

Better yet, how about we just give me the collest, baddest ass motherfucker alive award. I mean, in all fairness, there is a good chance that I MIGHT earn it. Man this crap pisses me off. When did it become ok to give out an award, BEFORE you have earned it? FUCK!!!!!!!!!

Why IHTSBIH is the BEST movie ever

Ok, so apparently there are a bunch of people that either didn't realize Tucker Max's movie, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, was coming out, or just didn't care. Therefore, I am going to do a brief review of the movie, and then suggest you watch it yourself.

For starters, READ THE BOOK. The movie is based loosely on a story in the book. It is called the Austin Road Trip Story. However, in the interest of entertainment, Tucker decided to change the story around so that it flows better, and frankly, made it a lot easier to watch. With that being said, READ THE BOOK. From cover to cover. Then go see the movie. I promise, you will enjoy both the book and the movie, and will see parts from multiple stories popping up in the movie.

On to the movie. The movie opens with Tucker banging a deaf chick. Obviously the deaf chick can't hear herself, so she is making some weird animalistic groaning sounds. Before they even showed anything, I knew exactly what was happening. The movie starts off with the entire theater laughing. Great stuff.

The movie then breaks out into a little story telling of who is who and what not. Really great stuff the way they introduced the characters. Then they go off on the road trip. Drew(a.k.a Slingblade) goes off on a rant about the pancakewich. For those of you that don't catch on, he is referencing a McGriddle. I can only assume that McDonalds either wouldn't let them use the name, or they just decided not to fuck with it and just make up their own sandwich. Either way, his rant is hilarious, and is almost verbatim from the book. Again, the entire theater was laughing.

Again, there is more funny stuff, and then the clincher. The Austin Road Trip story is probably my favoritest story of all time. (Yeah, favoritest isn't a fucking word, but it's also my blog, so fuck off if you don't like it.) Anyway, every time someone tells me they haven't heard of Tucker Max, I tell them to start with that story, knowing that if they read it, they will be hooked. There have been times when I have been sitting in the airport, and have literally had tears pouring down my face, simply from READING the story. Yeah, its that funny. I had seen in the previews that they had Tucker's character making the shuffle to the bathroom. Never in my life did I imagine it would be as funny as it was. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it came out that the main character actually did shit his pants in order to make the scene. It was GOLD. I was relegated to tears, yet again, by this scene.

The rest of the movie deals with some conflict resolution, etc. Honestly, even though I knew pretty much what was going to happen, it was still worth it to watch.

Basically, this movie will have you laughing from beginning to end. All I ask is this: Go watch the movie, and don't cry when it makes fun of women, midgets, minorities, or the stupid bartender. Its a movie, its supposed to be humor. Laugh it up, and enjoy the movie. Trust me, its well worth the 9.50 per ticket.