Saturday, February 6, 2010

Let's Talk Shit

Alright gents, its time for "The Talk." That's right, the poop talk. It seems lately that the standards and expectations haven't been enforced enough and people are getting lax.

1) If you are pooping on the back of the toilet seat, clean up after yourself. Odds are, you are instituting the "hover" method. This is normally employed by douche bags who are afraid of ass cooties. Let's be honest. You opened the door. You probably grabbed the stall door. Odds are you're gonna walk out without washing your hands. Ass cooties are the least of your worries.

2) If you're gonna shit all over the floor and leave your shitty, bloody underwear on the floor, at least leave a note that says sorry. Be proud of your work. Show it off. Don't be afraid. As Fluffy discovered in Ohio, shitting all over a stall and leaving your bloody underwear in it can be a masterpiece.

3) Courtesy flush. That's really self-explanatory. If there's other dudes in the restroom, don't be stinkin up the joint with your nasty ass flavored perfume.

4) This one is probably the most crucial. If you are using the toilet paper, and there is any less than 20 sheets of double ply, 40 of single ply left, take them all! Don't psyche out the next guy by letting him believe there's some toilet paper left only to find out it's tapped out.

I think if we can all abide by these rules, it will make our pooping experiences much better.

Also, for your reading pleasure, some euphemisms for pooping:

Dropping a spike
Taking a dump
Dropping the kids off at the pool
Taking the Browns to the SuperBowl
Smashing a snickers
Taking a load off

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